Argh >_<

I have spent the last hour and a half trying to come up with a new blog layout that will work with the Blogger template system. So far I have produced... jack shit! Woot!

My brain hurts. Why do I even bother with this silly thing? I need to just bite the bullet and get myself a domain name and some server space. Then I can do what ever I want and not have people tell me what to do! Yeah! Oh well. At least I found a new wallpaper XD

I miss X :(

Hi ya everybody! I have neglected to write in my blog for a long while now and you might be wondering why. As you may have guessed my life has been a bit... unraveled as of late and I simply have not had the desire to share it with anyone.

Anywho, things are a bit better now so I've decided to give this ol' thing a little kick in the gullet. Perhaps it's the caffeine but I'm in a good mood tonight. I'm attempting to make a Code Geass wallpaper. It's all hard to cut out and stuff. Woot XD

I really don't have anything intelligent to say right now. Ummm... yeah. I promise to write more!

I have once again proved my supreme idiocy and inability to handle my own emotions. Now I must sit with my guilt and deal with the consequences of my actions. I can only hope that I will be given the opportunity to explain and to apologize, although I probably don't deserve it.

I wish I was better with people, but I'm not. That's the reality of my life and maybe someday things will be different but today they are not. Oh well. At least now things can't possibly get any worse. That means they can only get better.

I hope.

One of these days my curiosity will be the end of me.

Why? I tend to constantly look at things I should not. Then I'm faced with the consequences of this when I find something that I don't like. Since these things are not put in context, how can I determine whether it's as bad as I think it is? How do I find this out without revealing the invasion of privacy I have made?

Even the most innocent of actions can have dire consequences. Now I have a moral dilemma on my hands which I do not want to face. I fear the answer to my question almost more then the question itself.

Thus is the sound of my world crashing down around me once more.

I want this so bad. *sigh* maybe some day.

I Have Friends

So I was video chatting with my friend Shawn from Alberta and I thought I would take a picture of him to annoy him. Now, what good is a prank like that if you don't then post it on the internet?

Yippie! So, here's Shawnie!

My Toilet is Dirty with Poo

I was cleaning my toilet today when I realized something odd.

Girls toilets are usually cleaner then boys toilets. This can probably be attributed to the fact that, stereotypically, girls clean more. Now this just doesn't make sense to me. Why you may ask? Well, when I went to clean my toilet today I lifted up the toilet seat and discovered that it was in fact very dirty inside. I had not previously noticed this, as I tend not to lift up the toilet seat. While it was down it seemed quite clean still.

Now, since guys pee standing up then they would obviously notice that the toilet is dirty when they lift the seat up. So in theory shouldn't guys clean their toilet more often because of this? o_O

My Angels are Sleeping

I'm feeling very minimalistic right now.

It's Friday night and I'm home alone. It's nights like these that I fear the most; the isolation and darkness always make me lonely. Loneliness is not my friend.

I'm starting to think that loneliness may be at the core of it all.

Normally on a night like this I would cry for a bit and then go to bed. Tonight is going to be different. Tonight I'm going to have a private party and do something I enjoy.

Then I'll go to bed and try not to dream.

Reflections in a Dirty Mirror

I'm hungry.

When a person is dealing with a manic or depressive episode, one of the common side effects is that they lose their appetite. They either do not feel the urge to eat, and therefore do not, or simply do not have the energy to prepare themselves the essential nutrients. It can also be a self destructive move, as one does not care enough about themselves to eat or wishes to hurt themselves through not eating.

I'm very hungry.

I suffer from both depression and severe anxiety. They feed into each other, making a situation where I might be able to cope into one that is almost impossible to bear. The anxiety causes me to isolate myself which leads to feelings of extreme loneliness and self loathing. These feelings turn to depression, which causes me to do things such as missing work. I then become paranoid about the work I have missed, and the anxiety makes me obsess over it leading to more depression. It's a vicious circle.

I wish I had something to eat.

Recently my depression has reached a high point. Events in my life, combined with a very stressful job have led me to have a almost complete nervous breakdown. As a result my work has finally decided that they have had enough of me and layed me off. I am now being forced to confront my issues head on, or else risk losing everything that I hold dear in my life. I do not like the person I see in the mirror. So, how does one change this? Change in medication, change in consoling, change in lifestyle. I have to change the way I think before I can change the way I feel. I've been running from my problems for a very, very long time and I'm tired. Very, very tired.

Luckily for me though, I'm also very hungry.

Love and other Mysteries

I have decided I'm in love.

"Split Me Wide Open"
The Bravery

Split me wide open and look right inside

There's so many things that I tried to hide

Oh you see right through me

You always see right through me

Split me wide open, and cut me in two

There's nothing that I could ever hide from you

Oh you always knew me, you're the only one who knew me

Is nothing sacred, is nothing saved?

Your gentle eyes like a razor blade

They cut me open, you look right through

I give it all to you

Split me wide open, and cut it at all

My hands on your body like a blind man's on a wall

Oh you always show me, you're the only one who shows me

Pinned to a wall,

I am hung from a tree

For all these drooling faces that can look up and see

But you always knew me, you're the only one who knew me

Is nothing sacred, is nothing saved?

Your gentle eyes like a razor blade

They cut me open and look right through

I give it all to you

Split me wide open

Split me wide open

Is nothing sacred, is nothing saved?

Your gentle eyes like a razor blade

They cut me open, you look right through

I give it all to you

Split me wide open

Split me wide open

...

I once hurt the one I loved. It cut me like a blade, but it hurt him like a bullet to the heart. What is my pain compared to his? I'm not the one to answer that question. My wound, however, is one that refuses to close. Every time I believe it has healed over, begun to scab, it's ripped open once again. I am well aware of what I have done. I hate myself for what I have done. I am not a cold hearted snake. I am not cold and unfeeling. Every word he says to me is like a knife to the heart.

I once had a best friend. Now I have a enemy who will not let me sleep in peace. I am happy, yet I fear the retribution of deeds I have done. This fear... it haunts me. Everything I do it overshadows. I will be abandoned, I will be lost. I will be hurt as much as I have hurt others. I am finally now in the position for this to happen, and it makes me feel a fear I have never felt before.

One day, karma shall have it's revenge on me and that day will be soon. I feel it in my heart; it is unavoidable. He will hurt me... and I will suffer. I will feel the way I have made so many others feel. That is my fate.

So, my parents got back from Hawaii today and they got me a pretty cool hat. I'm stoked for the hat... but I wanted a rock damn it! I made a video blog about this, but it hasn't uploaded yet so yeah. Maybe I'll post it here, maybe not. Not sure yet... we shall see people!

Last night I forgot to log off my computer, so I was logged into MSN all day. Not a big deal, except I found a lovely little 'love' letter from my ex when I came home today.

We only went out for like, 2 or 3 months and we broke up before New Years. Why he likes to continue to send me these little notes is beyond me. I'm getting quite the collection of them, actually. I threatened to take them to the cops and charge with him harrasment so now he's sending them from his friends account.

Damn, that's a little imature, eh? LEAVE ME ALONE.

Death to Vista!

Yippie! I am so ultra excited today. Why? NO MORE MOTHER FUCKING WINDOWS VISTA. Oh yeah, that makes me happy. NEVER EVER EVER INSTALL WINDOWS VISTA. It's a unstable piece of poo. You wanna know how much a piece of poo it is? My boyfriend has a brand new, Dell XPS laptop. These things are the best of the best, custom laptops designed sepcifically for gaming. You can not find a more powerful laptop on the market right now. And you know what? It won't play any games. Why? VISTA. It just like, randomly crashes them for no reason. -_- It's like stabbing needles into your eyes or watching Dora the Explorer on repeat.

On a happier note, I now have my new webcam! Yippie!! XD

The Hobgoblin will get you!!!!

Allrighty then. Last night got a little crazy. Sorry about the drunken blog post everybody (I say that as if someone is actually reading this).

So about a million things happened last night, and for the most part they were actually good. Creepy, I know. o_O Later when I've woken up I'll write a more detailed post about the more serious aspects of the evening but for now I'll keep things light.

I drank a new beer last night. Hobgoblin Beer. It's got like, this crazy goblin thing on the bottle. It's British. It came with a shirt. And it tasted yummie XD

I also got my henna tattoo. I'm very stoked about it. My darling Spilly drew it for me. In case your wondering the design is from the cover of Kushiel's Dart by Jacqueline Carey. It's an amasing series, go read it! Getting the henna tattoo was fun, except that it takes about a hour to dry plus the actual time it takes to draw it. This process probably would have gone better if I wasn't a) drunk b) entertaining a bunch of boys. I spent like 2 hours with my sweater covering my boobs! Needless to say, some wardrobe malfunctions occured.

Wenis

Okie dokie now. It's Friday night so everybody knows what that means! PARTY! XD

Ummm... well, in my case it means having Andrew and my Spilly over. We do wild and crazy things. Right now Spilly and Andrew are on a adventure to find coolers. And me? I'm stuck at home waiting. Again. Bah.

Tonight I'm going to get a henna tattoo, which is super cool but not nearly as cool as the tattoo I'm going to get after tax season. Yippie for my pheonix ^_^

Hmmmm.... I don't have anything really interesting to put here so yeah... here's Spilly!

Enter the Next...

Hi ya everybody! So this is my first 'official' blog entry of my brand new bloggie! This isn't my first blog but... yeah. I doubt anyone remembers my little old blog that I used to have. This is now officialy the new home of Dovienya.

I have big hopes for my blog. First, I hope it will help me be not so crazy by being a 'creative outlet' for my various neroses. Secondly, this shall encourage me to once again attempt to hone my skills as a web designer. Big money here I come XD

As you can see my layout still needs a bit of tweeking but I figured, what the hell, let's start posting. Soon I shall fill the pages of this blog with my wonderful insites into small town living and crazy super geekiness. Until then, enjoy Fuu. Ain't she a cutie?