I Have Friends

So I was video chatting with my friend Shawn from Alberta and I thought I would take a picture of him to annoy him. Now, what good is a prank like that if you don't then post it on the internet?

Yippie! So, here's Shawnie!

My Toilet is Dirty with Poo

I was cleaning my toilet today when I realized something odd.

Girls toilets are usually cleaner then boys toilets. This can probably be attributed to the fact that, stereotypically, girls clean more. Now this just doesn't make sense to me. Why you may ask? Well, when I went to clean my toilet today I lifted up the toilet seat and discovered that it was in fact very dirty inside. I had not previously noticed this, as I tend not to lift up the toilet seat. While it was down it seemed quite clean still.

Now, since guys pee standing up then they would obviously notice that the toilet is dirty when they lift the seat up. So in theory shouldn't guys clean their toilet more often because of this? o_O

My Angels are Sleeping

I'm feeling very minimalistic right now.

It's Friday night and I'm home alone. It's nights like these that I fear the most; the isolation and darkness always make me lonely. Loneliness is not my friend.

I'm starting to think that loneliness may be at the core of it all.

Normally on a night like this I would cry for a bit and then go to bed. Tonight is going to be different. Tonight I'm going to have a private party and do something I enjoy.

Then I'll go to bed and try not to dream.

Reflections in a Dirty Mirror

I'm hungry.

When a person is dealing with a manic or depressive episode, one of the common side effects is that they lose their appetite. They either do not feel the urge to eat, and therefore do not, or simply do not have the energy to prepare themselves the essential nutrients. It can also be a self destructive move, as one does not care enough about themselves to eat or wishes to hurt themselves through not eating.

I'm very hungry.

I suffer from both depression and severe anxiety. They feed into each other, making a situation where I might be able to cope into one that is almost impossible to bear. The anxiety causes me to isolate myself which leads to feelings of extreme loneliness and self loathing. These feelings turn to depression, which causes me to do things such as missing work. I then become paranoid about the work I have missed, and the anxiety makes me obsess over it leading to more depression. It's a vicious circle.

I wish I had something to eat.

Recently my depression has reached a high point. Events in my life, combined with a very stressful job have led me to have a almost complete nervous breakdown. As a result my work has finally decided that they have had enough of me and layed me off. I am now being forced to confront my issues head on, or else risk losing everything that I hold dear in my life. I do not like the person I see in the mirror. So, how does one change this? Change in medication, change in consoling, change in lifestyle. I have to change the way I think before I can change the way I feel. I've been running from my problems for a very, very long time and I'm tired. Very, very tired.

Luckily for me though, I'm also very hungry.

Love and other Mysteries

I have decided I'm in love.

"Split Me Wide Open"
The Bravery

Split me wide open and look right inside

There's so many things that I tried to hide

Oh you see right through me

You always see right through me

Split me wide open, and cut me in two

There's nothing that I could ever hide from you

Oh you always knew me, you're the only one who knew me

Is nothing sacred, is nothing saved?

Your gentle eyes like a razor blade

They cut me open, you look right through

I give it all to you

Split me wide open, and cut it at all

My hands on your body like a blind man's on a wall

Oh you always show me, you're the only one who shows me

Pinned to a wall,

I am hung from a tree

For all these drooling faces that can look up and see

But you always knew me, you're the only one who knew me

Is nothing sacred, is nothing saved?

Your gentle eyes like a razor blade

They cut me open and look right through

I give it all to you

Split me wide open

Split me wide open

Is nothing sacred, is nothing saved?

Your gentle eyes like a razor blade

They cut me open, you look right through

I give it all to you

Split me wide open

Split me wide open

...

I once hurt the one I loved. It cut me like a blade, but it hurt him like a bullet to the heart. What is my pain compared to his? I'm not the one to answer that question. My wound, however, is one that refuses to close. Every time I believe it has healed over, begun to scab, it's ripped open once again. I am well aware of what I have done. I hate myself for what I have done. I am not a cold hearted snake. I am not cold and unfeeling. Every word he says to me is like a knife to the heart.

I once had a best friend. Now I have a enemy who will not let me sleep in peace. I am happy, yet I fear the retribution of deeds I have done. This fear... it haunts me. Everything I do it overshadows. I will be abandoned, I will be lost. I will be hurt as much as I have hurt others. I am finally now in the position for this to happen, and it makes me feel a fear I have never felt before.

One day, karma shall have it's revenge on me and that day will be soon. I feel it in my heart; it is unavoidable. He will hurt me... and I will suffer. I will feel the way I have made so many others feel. That is my fate.